How to Win Friends And Influence People: Chapter 11

What does it benefit a man to expose my weaknesses - all because he can't see his own? What does it benefit you to tell people they're wrong? Do you think you're perfect? Do you think telling them they're wrong is gonna win them over?

When you do this, all you do is hurt their pride and self respect,

and you have now turned them into an enemy instead of an ally.

When you hurt people's feelings, their logic takes a backseat. Whether your reasoning is accurate or not really doesn't matter, because all they now care about is getting you back for hurting their precious ego. You've made them feel stupid - and stupid people don't have much reasoning capacity. It's now purely an emotional game.

And you know who's all emotion and no logic? Animals.

So now you're not dealing with a rational human anymore, you're dealing with an emotional and wounded animal. And trust me, these animals don't get more dangerous than when they're wounded.

Carnegie says,

"If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly that nobody will feel that you are doing it."

He quotes Galileo, who said,

"You cannot teach a man anything;

you can only help him find it within himself."

Do this by acknowledging that you may be wrong and you want to correct your own ignorance. For example, "Well, I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. And if I am wrong, I want to put it right." Or something like, "I have made so many mistakes that I am frequently ashamed. I may have erred in your case. Tell me about it."

Statements such as these allow the other person to release their feelings and be more receptive to examining the facts objectively.

Carnegie says the best way to avoid making enemies is to admit that you may be wrong.  Admitting your own shortcomings will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he too may be wrong.

When you tell people bluntly that they're wrong, even when you're right, you don't win them over to your side. You just make them want to hurt you, because it feels to them as if you are attacking their integrity and self esteem. The best way to avoid arguments is to ask questions, ask for clarification and try to understand your opponent's perspective.

In conclusion, Carnegie writes,

"Show respect for the other person's opinion.

Never say, 'You're wrong.'"

Carnegie says, "When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves.

And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may even admit it to others, but not if someone is trying to ram it down our throat."