How to Win Friends and Influence People: Chapter 23

Once again, this chapter reiterates the importance of making people feel important. Remember the sandwiching technique we spoke about in the previous chapter? Begin with praise, then offer the suggestion for improvement, and close with more praise and reiterating your faith in the person's ability.

Carnegie warns us to avoid one deadly mistake that can make our praise sound insincere.  And that mistake is using the word BUT. Carnegie says to rather use the word AND, instead of BUT. BUT negates your previous statement, it negates your praise. However, AND adds to what you just said. BUT makes it sound like, "I love you, but you're not good enough. " Whereas AND sounds like, "I love you, and I want you to improve." Can you feel the difference?

AND makes the whole statement come together,  whereas BUT makes the other person doubt the sincerity of our initial praise.

Get rid of the behavior without losing the respect of the person.

Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. If possible, model for them the ideal behavior. Give them a reputation,  and have them live up to it.

Lead by example, and every one else will follow your example. Once they've taken the desired action, praise them once again and commend their effort. Reiterate your appreciation for them and effort they're putting in to be better.