How to Win Friends and Influence People: Chapter 18
What Everybody Wants
In this chapter, Dale Carnegie writes about empathy and the importance of putting yourself in the other person's shoes.
We show empathy by using statements such as these,
"I don't blame one bit for feeling as you do.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the same way. "
These statements make the other person feel heard and understood, and lowers their resistance to you. With low resistance, we can quickly reach a win-win conclusion. And according to Carnegie, this is the best way to turn hostility into friendliness.
It's important to be sympathetic and lenient towards others because we don't know what challenges they're facing in life, what kind of environment they grew up in which has shaped their world view, and what kind of experiences they continue to have in life, what's shaping their character and mental frame. And if you can, thank them for caring enough, and taking the time to open your mind and correct your mistake.
When you show compassion and understanding, you become a friend instead of an enemy. People like you and trust you a lot more because you are just like them, or at least understand them. And since people are more likely to buy from a friend than a stranger, it pays to have many friends.
What's In It For Me?
As always, remember to find out the most important result the other person is looking for, and discuss how you can help them get it. What are they trying to accomplish, avoid, or overcome? How can you assist in getting them this result?
And if you can, contrast the two possibilities. What's the most likely result if they go about this one way, versus the most likely result if they go about it the other way. And then show them why it's more beneficial for them to choose your way.
At the conclusion of the deal, thank them for their cooperation. Please and thank you - praise and gratitude are the weapon against which even a heart of stone will soften. Don't argue. Arguments will make the other person defensive and more stone-hearted. Sympathize with their situation, and show them how to reach their most desirable outcome.
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