How to Win Friends And Influence People: Chapter 13

In this chapter, Carnegie writes that if you attack someone and are confrontational approach, the person with whom you are speaking will be confrontational as well. But if you have a calm and accommodating approach, your counterpart will be calm and accommodating as well.

Again, he emphasizes the importance of being interested in the other person. Find out what's important to them, and find a way to help him get what he wants without either of you losing.

When you display courtesy and  understanding in your communication with other people, then you're most likely to reach agreement - you're more likely to win them to your way of thinking - And you're more likely to make friends out of them.

Carnegie says people can't be coerced into changing their minds - but they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly.

He says that if you want to win a man over to your cause,

first convince him that you are his friend.

First recognize the other person, their intellect, their warmth, and their desire to reach an amicable conclusion. Praise him sincerely. Don't impose your will on him. Sincerely listen to his point of view, and don't attack his argument. Learn from it And try to find points

of agreement rather than disagreement.

He tells an interesting story about the wind and the sun competing

to see who could get a man on the street to take off his coat.

The wind was violent and unfriendly, blowing maliciously and almost causing the man to fall several times. This only made the man hold on tighter to his coat.

But when it was the sun's turn to make the man take off his coat, the sun gently raised the temperature, causing the man's coat to be heavy and burdensome, and eventually causing the man to take off his coat on his own.

This story emphasizes the point that gentleness is more useful in winning someone over to your way of thinking than force and fury.

WIIFM! Show the other person what's in it for him. What does he stand to lose? Or what does he stand to gain?

Begin your discussions in a friendly way.

And remember that honey catches more flies than vinegar.