How to Win Friends And Influence People: Chapter 02

Dale Carnegie says that there is only one way to get anybody to do anything, and that is by making them want to do it. Essentially, it's by seducing them into action instead of coercing them, similar to what we discovered in the last chapter.

You can use coercion, but at some point people will retaliate.

The best way to ensure continued cooperation is by giving

the other person what they want in return for what you want.

Seduction is always better than coercion.

And according to Carnegie, the single biggest desire among people 

is the desire to be important. Everybody wants to be important.

If you can make people feel important, even in the slightest ways,

you are destined for greatness.

The desire to be important is the reason we compete - so we can show the world who's boss. It's the reason some people go to school, so they can be called by their titles... Dr. So and so, or Professor So and so. It's the reason we drive flashy cars and live in mansions even though we're deep in debt - possibly up to our eyeballs.

It's the reason we separate royalty from the peasants.

It's the reason we all want to be influencers all of a sudden,

or we want to take selfies with celebrities.

And that's why we want to have buildings named after us.

Your life is run by the things that give you a feeling of importance. Some people feel important by giving to charity. Others feel important by excelling in a chosen sport, and others feel important by parading semi-naked in music videos. And for us, we feel important by starting businesses and contributing to our communities.  We feel important by breaking the chains

of poverty and beginning the cycle of wealth and prosperity.

Carnegie mentions several examples of people behaving badly just to get a feeling of importance, and several others who even go insane because they've been denied this feeling in their real lives.

Because they literally lose their minds without it.

He quotes Charles Schwab, who said, "The way to develop the best

that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement."

So now we've learned two things:

1. Do not complain, condemn or criticize.
2. We bring the best out of people 

by giving sincere appreciation and encouragement.

He goes on to say that "People do better work

and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval

than they do under a spirit of criticism."

Your assignment, then, is to praise your colleagues,

children, spouse, friends publicly and privately.

That's how you get the best out of them.

Dale cautions us to differentiate between cheap flattery

and genuine praise. Flattery is shallow, selfish and insincere.

He quotes a Mexican army general who said,

"Don't be afraid of the enemies who attack you.

Be afraid of the friends who flatter you."

There's a saying that goes,

"A man who is trying to help himself will tell you what you want

to hear. A man who is trying to help you will tell you the truth."

Flattery is dishonest.  

People who use flattery usually want something from you.

They are con men. Be very careful around them.

The second lesson, then, is to give honest and sincere appreciation. Search for the good in people and acknowledge them for it.

This is the big secret of dealing with people. People want praise. They want to feel important.  If you can give them the feeling of importance, they will do good work for you.