How to Win Friends And Influence People: Chapter 01

People never see themselves in a negative light, they never blame themselves, they never think of themselves as bad people, even when there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. 

And if you call out out their negative tendencies, they get defensive, they justify and then accuse you of wrongdoing.

So how do we escape the wrath of these people?

How do we hold such people accountable for their behavior?

Dale Carnegie writes stories about notorious criminals such as

Al Capone, Dutch Schultz and 'Two Gun' Crowley, all of whom

had murdered dozens, if not hundreds of people. Yet they never viewed themselves as bad people. They were just provoked and had an unfortunate reaction. These criminals actually believe they are good people.

So, if criminals don't condemn themselves, how likely do you think ordinary folks like you and me are to see any wrongdoing on our part? We will fight tooth and nail to defend our honor.

Nobody appreciates criticism, no matter how justified it may be.

Carnegie says, "Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous  because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment."

He suggests that people who are rewarded for good behavior

will learn more and retain what they learn better

than those who are criticized and punished for bad behavior.

Criticism serves only to demoralize, and yet doesn't change the negative behavior. So it is better to catch somebody doing something right and praise them for the correct behavior,

than it is to catch somebody doing something wrong

and reprimanding their bad behavior.

People hate being told what to do as if they were children incapable of thinking for themselves. They prefer to have a say in how their lives are run. They prefer to be seduced rather than coerced into changing their behavior.

That is just human nature. People never blame themselves.

They justify their actions, and resent anyone who calls them out.

The reason for this is because people are emotional creatures.

We are vain and prideful.

If you don't stroke our ego, we will resent you.

Before we judge other people, let's put ourselves in their shoes and think about how we would behave under similar circumstances.

Carnegie suggests that instead of complaining about other people, let's turn inward and look at ourselves first. He quotes Confucius who said, "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbors roof,

when your own doorstep is unclean."

He says, "Any fool can criticize, complain and condemn - and most fools do. But it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."

Carnegie's message to parents is to read Father Forgets by W. Livingston Larned. Maybe it will make you think twice before you criticize your children.

The final message of this chapter is simply this:

"Don't criticize, condemn or complain. Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do."